For many years I have been trying to understand the implications of some extremely nonordinary experiences that defied the sum of all I have read and everything it is ordinarily possible to imagine. The process has resembled a terrible quest, with moments of victory and ecstasy and long periods of agony, loss, confusion and imprisonment. I cannot know if I am capable, especially alone, of resolving the riddles involved, however, of late, in the deepest of the trials, a strange light is attempting to emerge into my awareness. I will say only this for now: whatever it is we ordinarily call and think of as ‘my mind’ is nothing like what we think or imagine. We are using a tiny appendage of a vast animal, and this is the wrong way to use even that appendage.

Our minds are made for something too astonishing to encode in waking consciousness, though that consciousness can sustain a portion of these faculties and abilities under advantageous circumstances. Our minds are made for things I cannot quite explain, but they involve two features: »Travel of a kind unimaginable, and direct, immediate participation in »array of ancient relationships that are simililarly impossible to ordinary awareness. And although they are completely native to our minds and their origins and purposes, there are no records that much resemble the actual nature of our minds, even among the sages and esoteric religions.

One more thing I will say: sex and orgasm are »representations of something far beyond their seeming extremity. As far beyond as a galaxy is beyond a matchstick.

I need help to succeed in this quest. But I cannot find the others who are capable of understanding and passionately curious enough to participate directly… partly because… I am in »the wrong time.