“If you really think about it, farting is far superior to applause. I mean, as a comedian, this is obvious, because you often get people laughing so hard that they accidentally rip one. But they never laugh so hard they accidentally applaud.

Us comedians are trained about this because it’s a public safety issue. It’s possible for the process to become contagious in a crowd. See, humans cannot properly control their sphincters during helpless laughter. One guy laughs too hard, and the fart he was desperately holding onto bursts forth, announcing itself like a god. Others, already laughing, upon hearing this… laugh even harder, and one of them rips one off that shakes the room, and pretty soon the first guy has shit himself. From then on it’s a chain reaction — like the atomic bomb of ass. A crowd control issue involving undergarments and stained seats. A comedian has to work hard to avoid these repercussions.

Anyway, applause is just your thinking brain moving your hands around, but flatulence is as old as shit. Maybe older. The guts are what matter, in more senses than one. And there’s the authenticity factor: you might be clapping your hands just because everyone else is, but there is no way fake a sudden, shocking gust of ass.

And everyone knows that you can get away with thunderous farts during applause. I mean, you all figured that out on your own, right? Just think about what’s happening up here on stage when you are laughing or clapping. It’ll come to you. Eventually. Think of it as a bonus.

On the other cheek, so to speak, one of the greatest moments of my life was ripping one in a tuxedo just before the finish of an exceptionally boring speech at a social function. It was so loud that it sounded like something inside me must have torn apart. And it seemed to echo. Time stopped. The universe changed forever.

That tedious bighead on the podium only thought he was the attraction. Not only did I silence the room and gain the immediate attention of everyone present, but a group of catastrophically overdressed kids started cracking up and could not be silenced.

Never underestimate the power of an obstreperous fart timed to turn the universe upside-down.”

— Bobby Yingo at the Grey Room