It has become obvious to me that Einstein’s revolutionary mathematical insights were not the result of questions about spacetime, but early encounters with cellophane, which so vexed the young genius that he produced the relativity equations ‘to spite the spirit of cellophane which greatly vexed me in my early encounters with it’.

If the Glad Wrap package was honest, ‘Press and Seal’ would read ‘Press and face exotic problems in entanglement and sudden, unexpected digital mutilation’.

Every time cellophane and I have a playdate I feel like I have been in a fight with the Cheshire cat’s invisible magnetic twin — in total darkness. I do not understand this. It’s like a sheet of ghost magnets fed into your hopeful grasp by a ravenous invisible hand-eating straight razor. No. This doesn’t make sense. I occasionally survive it, but even then it is just wrong.