Sometimes my heart’s challenges seem far too entrenched for even my most focused efforts. I do not understand all the machinations of my heart. Sometimes it seems it is its own universe, distinct from my will or intention. That I cannot effect its senses with my will. Only in rare situations would I want to, and even in those, I am often conflicted. At least the challenges remake me; but I believe that I could do without the feelings they bring. I do not understand why I must experience this. I would like to understand how these aspects of my soul’s movements arise, for what reasons, and how I might live and feel more wisely. Perhaps this suffering is a part of the road to that understanding. But it is raw, cruel, and agonizing. Nonetheless, I am present to it.