Today, on My Advice Column: “Firstly, this is very dire. The immediate concern is that a specific ghost of a dead mouse in The boiling river of Mayantuyacu, Peru, will take notice and begin to expand irrevocably, soon overcoming the size of the ego of Donald Trump. This dire outcome can be avoided, however, by immediately immersing your hand in a large bowl of peanut butter treated with isotopes of Iradium and Threbocanulari. A similar event was recorded in Ancient Greece, during the overflight of a vast number of wild geese having only one wing each. The Papyri Grecae Magica contains an incantation for resolving this event, however, the vast portion of it, when translated, turns out to be instructions to a Modern AI, which didn’t exist then, for composing pornographic Peanuts cartoon strips. I think that you should consult the insane person who works at your nearby grocery store. They have been fortold to be in possession of a nonhuman artifact that both levitates, and causes uncontrollable laughter in anyone who touches it. This laughter has the capacity to cause spontaneous retracted-metal emergence syndrome (SRMES), which, I suspect, may resolve this matter fortuitously.”

Today, on My Advice Column:

“Firstly, this is very dire. The immediate concern is that a specific ghost of a dead mouse in The boiling river of Mayantuyacu, Peru, will take notice and begin to expand irrevocably, soon overcoming the size of the ego of Donald Trump. This dire outcome can be avoided, however, by immediately immersing your hand in a large bowl of peanut butter treated with isotopes of Iradium and Threbocanulari. A similar event was recorded in Ancient Greece, during the overflight of a vast number of wild geese having only one wing each. The Papyri Grecae Magica contains an incantation for resolving this event, however, the vast portion of it, when translated, turns out to be instructions to a Modern AI, which didn’t exist then, for composing pornographic Peanuts cartoon strips. I think that you should consult the insane person who works at your nearby grocery store. They have been fortold to be in possession of a nonhuman artifact that both levitates, and causes uncontrollable laughter in anyone who touches it. This laughter has the capacity to cause spontaneous retracted-metal emergence syndrome (SRMES), which, I suspect, may resolve this matter fortuitously.”