“I went out this afternoon to obtain a slice of pizza. It was expensive, and I waited in line a long time to get it. I was really hungry. They handed it to me in a paper bag, which is absurd. Why the hell do I need a paper bag for a slice of pizza I am going to eat right now?

They claim it is because the bag helps them to determine who gets a slice.

What is this some kind of mating ritual?

Anyway, I get my slice and go outside to eat it.

As I am attempting to retrieve it from the absurdity of paper and aluminum foil (Ufo’s anyone?) surrounding it, I drop it on the ground.

Effectively on the street.

And, I’m here to tell you this: it was like quantum mechanics or some kind of bizarre physics experiment.

Every piece of hair and disgusting thing on the street was instantly magnetized to the cheese. The thing at my feet was no longer pizza. It was some kind of black-hole of everything disgusting that could possibly hitchhike on it.

Less than a second passed before I picked it up, and it was like trying to hold onto something that just kept attracting every horrific thing in the universe that had ever ached to find its way into pizza.

But, as usual, I scraped off what I could and ate it anyway.

After all, that’s how you become a comedian.”

— Bobby Yingo at The Arizmendi Bakery